It has been beautiful almost 4 months of this blog. I started it with an aim to create value. And, I am glad that on so many levels, it is doing exactly that.
I have been receiving mails lately of how the blog is creating impact in people’s life. And, I am overwhelmed and humbled by it.
But the best part is that, I have also been receiving queries and doubts where people want to have a conversation about their life with me. And, I absolutely love it.
However, sometimes I know the question they’ve asked is something which many people face trouble with.
And from now on, whenever I come across such a question, it’ll be formed under the new series– Coffee Conversations.
Why this name? For two reasons.
One that I believe that I am having a conversation. As how friends will. Not a therapy session. Not a consulting session. But a friend conversing with another.
Two that I love coffee and I always prefer writing with a cup of it.
I received this question the past week:
“Hey, Hardik. I read your post on letting go of shitty relationships. It indeed did inspired me to let go many people in my life. But I am in a relationship and it is going terrible. We fight regularly, we don’t talk for days. I have a feeling that it is not right any more. I have tried to fix it so many times. But it keeps getting worse and is really draining me down. But, I am afraid to break up and let go of him because we’ve been relationship for long. How can it go off-track? I always thought that once you love someone, it stays that way. Why am I not feeling it any more? Am I at fault? Would love your views on it! ”
And, I started thinking on it.
We often have a hard time letting of shitty relations.
But, it is easier to let go of probably people you’ve met in recent time and know them as acquaintance or a casual friend.
But what about say your partner or your best friend from years?
What about a relation wherein both the people have given years of trust and love?
And what about a relation which was seemingly formed and thrived because two person ‘love’ each other?
Such a relation becomes difficult to let go. To move out from. I’ve been working in a youth organization since years and have seen many people discussing to me about their relations.
How the relation and person is affecting them negatively but they still can’t let go of it.
And I often ask, “Why?”
And they say because they love the person.
And I ask, “Really? Then what’s the problem?”
And they say, “But it doesn’t feel like that any more.”
I have been there.
A lot of times. And it is tough.
The idea we have of love is seemingly different from what it really is.
We see it as something eternal. Something which lasts forever and probably as something which can never change.
From my own experience and from the people, I’ve seen.
I don’t think that’s the case.
If you think deeply, love or hate or jealousy or for that matter any other emotion has hardly anything to do with you.
It is generally about what you do and what you have.
So, if I have been in a relation since long, the other person is with me because he finds value when he is with me.
In form of trust and love, care and fun. An ear to listen and probably someone who’ll be there with him at any cost.
He knows what I contribute to the relation. So, he stays with me.
But people change and grow. And circumstances too. So chances might be there that, they grow apart.
So it might happen that after a year or two, I might not find the same value in the relationship, I see now.
And, I might grow out of it. Am I being immoral? No. Am I being wrong? I guess not.
Any relation takes efforts. Both the person have to contribute towards each other, they have found value in being with each other. That’s what love is. To find value and to give value.
It is depended on each other.
If someday, you stop finding value, you’ll feel like growing out of it.
If someday, the other person stops giving value, you’ll feel what we generally say, “it doesn’t feel right.”
But we generally still cling to the relations. Out of feeling that how can we not love any longer? Or how can we grow apart? Or did this thing change?
But, the cold truth–Things change. People grow. Value diminishes.
And even after that, if we keep clinging, it only causes misery. It will cause pain, a continuous one.
Don’t get me wrong. I value the emotion. The feeling of love. And the importance of relations. And, I urge you to contribute and give value and feel special.
Human relations are probably the most beautiful thing that can happen to you. A true human relationship,that is.
But also learn to acknowledge when it is not working out any longer.
Acknowledge when you’re not moving in the same direction any longer.
Acknowledge when you’re growing differently.
And, as per me, there is nothing wrong about it, if done honestly and genuinely and with good intention.
How many school friends are you still that much close? Answer probably would be no-one or few at maximum.
Why not? Do you hate them now? No, you don’t hate them.
But times changed. Thinking changed. And you both grew in life differently and in different circumstances.
You can’t hate or blame your school friend for that. Neither can you hate or blame yourself.
So, my thoughts are tough to accept. Tougher to practise.
And you might not agree. And that’s completely fine.
Work on your relations. Give it a chance to thrive again. But what’s the point of any relation if it is causing you misery?
Isn’t the entire point of human relations to make your life more beautiful?
In my life, I have let many people go. Close people. Really close.
There were no fights. There were no abuses. There was no hate.
We accepted that it is not working any longer. We bid goodbye with good memories. And we freed ourselves.
Although it was painful. It was tough. It did hurt.
But it was a right decision.
People change. Relations change. And love will also change.
Work on it. Give it a chance. Talk and discuss. But when you see nothing is working and the relation is just making you more miserable. Give it up. There’s nothing wrong in it.
Every relation has problems. Fights. Arguments. Everything.
Give your best to make it right. Talk to the person. Let your heart out. Who knows it might just be a misunderstanding or an old anger issue?
Be sure of your feelings. Understand why you’re feeling this way.
And then take a step.
But when the misery moments are more than beautiful moments.
I guess, you should rethink then, right?
And you have responsibilities towards yourself.
Give love to yourself.
And in the end, everything changes.
Everything moves on. Love moves on as well.
Don’t be miserable when you can fly. Fly. Fucking fly.
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